Coercive Control: Abuse that Doesn't Leave Bruises
- Step Three, Inc. Staff
- Mar 23
- 4 min read
Updated: Mar 24
When we think of domestic abuse, we often picture physical violence. But not all abuse leaves marks.
One of the most harmful—and hardest to spot—forms of abuse is called coercive control.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviors used to control, scare, or isolate a partner. It’s about one person using power to take away the other person’s freedom.
Some examples include:
Threats
Constant criticism
Controlling money
Tracking your movements
Cutting you off from friends, family, or support
This kind of abuse may not include hitting or pushing, but it can still be deeply damaging. It causes fear, confusion, and emotional pain that can last a long time.
What Does Coercive Control Look Like?
Coercive control can be hard to notice—especially for the person being controlled. It often starts small and grows over time.
Here are some signs to watch for:
Feeling cut off from your support system
Being told what to wear, where to go, or who you can talk to
Having your phone, social media, or spending monitored
Feeling like you can’t ask for help
Being put down or made to feel “crazy”
Being scared to speak up or say no
Feeling like you're walking on eggshells
Over time, this kind of control can make a person feel trapped—like they’re living someone else’s life and have no way out.
Domestic violence expert Dr. Evan Stark compares coercive control to being held hostage. He says, “The victim becomes captive in an unreal world created by the abuser, entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear.”
Why It Matters in Batterer’s Intervention Work
At Step Three, Inc., we work with individuals in our 52-week Batterer’s Intervention Program (BIP) to help them understand not just what they’ve done—but why they’ve done it, and how to change.
Every person in our program has used physical violence in a relationship. But abuse doesn’t always start or stop with physical violence. In many cases, once coercive control is in place, the abuser doesn’t feel the need to use force. Why? Because they already have control.
This kind of abuse often keeps victims blaming themselves and constantly trying to avoid making the abuser upset. The fear stays, even if the violence stops.
It’s important to understand that non-physical behaviors like isolation, humiliation, threats, or financial control are still abuse.
At Step Three, our program focuses on accountability. We help participants look at their harmful beliefs and attitudes—often based on sexism and a sense of gender-based entitlement—that sometimes lead to abusive behavior. By facing these patterns and taking full responsibility, real change can begin.
The Numbers Tell a Story
Coercive control is more common than many people think. Here are some facts from U.S. studies:
48% of women say they’ve experienced at least one form of coercive control from a spouse
Women are more likely than men to face severe and threatening types of coercive behavior
Over 61 million women and 53 million men have experienced emotional abuse by a partner
13% of women and 6% of men have been pressured into unwanted sex without physical force
Every day in the U.S., an average of three women and one man are killed by a current or former intimate partner
These figures indicate that coercive control is not uncommon and poses a significant threat to health and safety.
The Long-Term Impact of Coercive Control
Coercive control affects more than just daily life. It can cause lasting emotional and mental health struggles.
Survivors might experience:
Anxiety
Depression
PTSD
Feeling hopeless
Trouble trusting others or being independent again
Low self-esteem
Recovery from abuse takes time and support. Regaining your life, independence, and sense of self is a significant aspect of the healing process.
What You Can Do
If you think you—or someone you care about—may be experiencing coercive control, trust your instincts. Abuse isn’t always physical. It can be emotional, verbal, or psychological.
Make a safety plan for yourself, or offer support to someone you know by helping them create one. You don’t have to go through it alone—and neither do they.
If you recognize these behaviors in your own actions, it’s time to take responsibility. Change is possible. Our 52-week Batterer’s Intervention Program designed to help individuals break the cycle of abuse, take ownership of their behavior, and build healthier, more respectful relationships—while helping protect victims in the process.
Need Help?
If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.
If you're a victim of domestic violence and need support, Step Three, Inc. refers victims to SOS for Families in Idabel, Oklahoma. Call them at 1-580-286-5351.
Let’s break the cycle—because everyone deserves a life free from fear.
Sources:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) – Intimate Partner Violence Data
Referenced in: “Over 61 million women and 53 million men have experienced emotional abuse...” and gender comparisons.
BioMed Central – Coercive Control Among Married Women in the U.S.
Referenced in: “48% of women say they’ve experienced at least one form of coercive control...”
The Hotline – What is Sexual Coercion? Referenced in: “13% of women and 6% of men have been pressured into unwanted sex…”
RESPOND Inc. – Domestic Violence Facts & Stats Referenced in: “Every day in the U.S., an average of three women and one man are killed…”
Dr. Evan Stark – Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life Referenced in: The quote about coercive control being like a hostage situation.
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